Monday, September 27, 2010

New Friends and New Enemies

I awoke to two very new sensations. First, a drop of water splashed upon my cheek, gently waking me from my deep slumber. Second, a putrid smell rose through my nostrils. The strength of this smell overwhelmed me and I immediately jumped to my feet. The world was dark. I must have slept longer than I realized. As I rose, I noticed not only was my cheek wet from the apparent raindrop but also by groin was drenched. I frowned. I hadn't realized I had wet myself during my slumber. Wait, this urine seemed different. Having wet myself many times before I knew the smell of my own pee. I bent over and smelled my own crotch. Just as I had suspected. This was not my own urine! This was dog piss! AH! I ripped my pants from my legs with a flourish. What the hell? This offense was completely uncalled for! This dog shall pay and he shall pay dearly. I quickly patted myself down for any other unknown happenings during the day. I reached into my left breast pocket and there I withdrew a letter. Some message from Brian Bunderson wanting a smoke combined with a pancake! It sounded delicious. Since the Jewish church had to be done with their service for the day I decided to seek out this Brian Bunderson. Perhaps even I could persuade him to join my quest. For I would need help. Lots of help. Pants-less, I set out from the graveyard at a brisk pace. The rain began to fall harder and I ran faster. Sensing that the heavens were about to open up, I threw myself into Mr. Foo's asian restaurant. This is familiar, I commented aloud. The entire restaurant had turned to stare at the man soaked to the bone wearing no pants. Suddenly finding myself hungry and needing some clean pants I walked up to the waiter and said, "May I have five sushi rolls and a pair of jeans please?" Everyone had been speechless to this point. Then she burst. "AHDJKAFGAIJHFAUIHFAKJFHASKJNFAJSFNAKJSBDFLAJSDFIAUGFBIWEUBFAUYS!" Asians, I thought to myself. "I do not think that you understand," I said slowly, "I need five sushi rolls and..."Get out. NOW." A small old asian man had interrupted me. Turning to him I began staring him down. He did not back down. This man has a strong character, I thought. Perhaps I will need him later. Turning, I waltzed out of the restaurant and back into the rain. Returning to the horrendous elements, I noticed from the awning of Mr. Foo's that there were pidgeons attempting to fly in the torment. Not just one or two stupid pigeons, but many flights of pidgeons. They flights were haphazardly designed as the strong storm wind buffeted the poor pigeons to and fro. Frowning upon the pure randomness of this occurrence I decided just to not worry about such things. Life is not dealt with by watching, but by doing. This being so, I continued out into the rain. Pants were on my priority list now. I raced through the poop ridden, wet, and slippery streets slipping and sliding back to my apartment. Opening my apartment door, which I always keep unlocked in case anyone would want to visit me, I go to my dresser and begin throwing clothes in the air, searching for some clean pants. No pants come to my finding. Funny, I thought, has someone possibly stolen all of my pants? I sigh and look out the window. The rain has stopped. Then a streak of white ran across the sky. Another followed it. Joined by another. And then many more filled the sky. A meteor shower had begun.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Quest

I took the steps three at a time, crashing down from the fourth floor upon which I lived. My mind swirled. This discovery gave me a step ahead. I had to get going. First, I must report my discovery to the world! I hit the bottom floor with a bang and swept the doors open. Sunlight bathed my face. I opened my mouth took a humongous breath. Then, I let it out. "THE WORLD IS ROUND!," I bellowed. Birds chirped, people stared. I put my hands on my hips, put my chest out, and beamed masterfully. The people turned and continued on their way. Expected of course. They would not understand this preposterous epiphany just yet. I must talk to someone important and quickly. I rushed toward the closest religious building. Setting off at a brisk jog I crossed the road and headed for the Jewish affiliation near the cemetery. As I was running, I glanced into the playground area. There sitting on the ground was a nudist. Frowning upon the crudeness of this man I continued on my way. The short jog had left me winded. I did need to cut down on my alcoholic intake. Oh whatever. I bounded up the steps, slammed the double doors wide open, and entered the Jewish church. An entire congregation turned and peered at me disapprovingly. Oops. That was right. Jews holy day was Saturday, not Sunday. I tried a smile. The congregation didn't reply. "I'll just come back later then?" The frowns deepend. "Right then, uhhhh..." I turned, closed the doors and disappeared down the steps. I turned and headed for the graveyard. The gate creaked open when I pushed it gently. "It sure is eerie even in the bright sun." I said aloud. This comment seemed to boost my self confidence enough so I stepped forward. Pacing myself, I weaved in and out of the stones. I felt more at home now, more within my own realm. Finding a particularly spiky and ground down looking marker I laid down, rest my head upon the stone waited. In the afternoon sun, my eyes drooped and I was soon asleep.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The World is Round

I pored studiously over the map, my mind calculating, thinking, attempting to discover the secrets in which it held. My mind was cluttered. It pointed to something. All of it pointed to something. Shelves, rising high with books covered in notes. Drawings, connecting points in my head. Then maps, placed high on low, on walls and on tables, on shelves and counters. The apartment was crammed with millions of clues and hints. They laughed at me. These maps. They mocked me. They were the key. They pointed to an idea, a theory. I just could not discover the secret! But this map, this one that spread itself wide on the table before me, this one was the one. The one that led to my discovery. I just could not uncover the secret! Filled with rage, I swept a large stack of papers to the flow. They fluttered down, spread across the already filled floor. Cursing quietly, I bent to retrieve my mistake. But suddenly, something caught my eye. One sheet stood out. Picking it up, my mouth dropped open. Turning, I stared at the map. Colored pins scattered the perimeter while some stood upright in obsequious positions, marking their own territories carefully. Gaping, I stumbled then caught myself. I grabbed a marker and began to draw lines. Pin to pin, line to line a small smirk crept upon my face. The smirk turned into grin. The grin evolved into a huge smile that stretched eerily from ear to ear. I had found it! I had defeated my nemesis! I would now be able to conquer the world! To think of the possibilities! I had to spread the word. I had to plan and prepare. I must get this urgent message out to the world. I scooped up the map and sprinted out the door, shouting I have done it! I have made a perilous discovery! THE WORLD IS ROUND!!!!!